long-overdue realizations and nostalgic episodes

catching some american idol reruns on tv, i watched vonzell do that dionne warwick classic, "i'll never love this way again." she did a so-so rendition, but i did like hers better than anwar's. anyway, there's just something about that song... of course, i don't know the complete lyrics of the sone, and so i don't know what it's really about. but that line -[i know/ i'll/ never/ love this way again] - just gets to me. it has the most compelling mix of regret and resigned acceptance i've ever encountered in a song - which is what triggered this little nostalgic episode in the first place.

of course, it's all been setteld and dealt with a long (two semesters )ago, and i had already drawn a conclusion shortly after that. but to look back at it with 20/20 hindsight, to be able to set it down by my own hand in immortal bytes of data is just so.. final. comforting. encouraging.and coming into this crucial period of my life, it'll be nice to feel like i've got it all figured out.

i miss it. i miss the piso text messages that felt like a million bucks. i miss the magic. i miss that warm, fuzzy feeling and that stubborn belief that everything will always be alright. i miss that indescribable feeling i get whenever those littlt things (songs on the radio, license plate numbers, other peoples' conversations, tv, book, and movie dialogue lines, rainy weather) - that remind me of her - happen to me. i miss the crazy ways fate used to bring us closer to each other. no matter what went wrong, the fact that we were wble to keep it (and always put things back together) make me believe we were truly meant for each other.

but that's all there is to it. there's no hollywood-like insane urge to go rushing back and tell her this and that. no sudden fits of sentimentality and reminiscing. all the regret and guilt and pity has all but been replaced (after a shorter time than i imagined) by a genuine conviction that life goes on and that i will be able to unlearn eveything and find a new direction for myself. i just have to keep living in the present and take things one day at a time.

the trick, i've learned, is to keep the past close - but always behind you (okay, it does sound like i might've read it somewhere, and i probably did, but i really did work this out on my own). that way you'll always have something/somewhere to look back to when the road ahead gets too vicious. more importantly, it ensures you don't trip or stumble on it on the way forward.

i wasn't ready for her. not then, not now. nor for anyone else, come to think of it. that's one area of my personal development wherre maturity seems to be in short supply. and it seems it'll be that way for quite some time in the future. between going to law school and having to find and keep a part-time job to make ends meet, i'll have little time t oallow myself to explore any 'possibilities' (as if any would come along). but hey, i've lived through 18 of my 21 years of life without any one significant person. i should be able to put up with a few years more. it's not like i feel empty or unfulfilled or anything. i'm just not ready for it yet. and if i'll never be? well, i'll just make it a point not to die a virgin...

dionne warwick was right. after every such episode in your life, you never can love in a similar way again.but whatever she said in that song, it can't all be something to cry about. every fresh start is an opportunity to do it again better. the memories made and lessons learned from each past love (ideally) should make you a better person. when the next person (who could be THE person for all you know) to whom you'll open your life up to comes along, you shouuldn't make the same mistakes - and give in to the same doubts and inhibitions that you did before. to do so would be just...

there's a happy ending for me out there somewhere. there just has to be... because this story's just begun.

asa an afterthought, i remember how i used to joke about myself being a mere supporting actor without a worthwhile story and a leading lady of my own. now i realize - don't all love stories begin with the hapless guy all by his lonesome?

***************

most attention-grabbing pinoy movie title:

"bukas, magsisimba kang may bulak sa ilong"

stupid IQ tests... like it actually matters how smart you are on paper...

Tickle: Tests, Matchmaking and Social Networking

ang laki ng nagagwa ng music para makilala mo ang sarili mo, ang mga gusto mo sa buhay, etc., etc. yung mga pangkaraniwan mong karanasan binibigyan ng kakaibang kulay at kahullugan. mula sa mga pinaka-hardcore na fans ng dice at k9 hanggang sa mga pinaka-stuck up na nakikinig ng italian opera, parang mas kumpleto ang buhay pag may kasabay na kanta. kaya ewan ko nalang yung mga taong walang hilig o appreciation sa music. siguro ang boring mo at ng buhay mo. korni ka at walang passion for life. hindi ka warm-blooded at senswal. wala kang alindog at hilig sa sex.

ito yung isa sa mga pinakapaborito kong kanta ni maestro Lenny Kravitz (shet man dapat talaga di ka nagpa-kalbo). balita ko sinubukan tong i-cover ni paolo santos. kaso olats talaga siya eh.

dati masarap siyang kantahin kasi may kahulugan siya para sakin. ngayon... masarap na lang siyang kantahin...

salamat kay Matteo Gelosa (matteo@ghost.dsi.unimi.it), kung sino man siya, at sa www.ultimate-guitar.com para sa chords. nakakatamad mag-type from scratch eh.

sing and feel it. : )

Heaven Help
Lenny Kravitz

Bm7 F#m7
There comes a time to be free of the heart
Bm7 F#m7
I wanna be ready, ready to start
Bm7 F#m7(IX) E(VII) D (V)
On a love journey I got places to go
D
Made up my mind and I got to let you know

chorus:

Bm7 F#m7
Heaven help the heart
Bm7 F#m7
That lets me inside
Bm7 F#m7
Heaven help the one
Em7 A7
Who comes in my life
Bm7 F#m7
Heaven help the fool
Bm7 F#m7
That walks through my door
Em7 D
'Cos I decided right now
I'm ready for love

Bridge1:

Bm7 F#m7 C#m7 Bm7 (x 2)

(verse2, same chords)
A funny feeling is coming over me
Now I'm inspired and I'm open to be, yeah
In a love place but it's out of my hands
Until you baby got to got to understand
{chorus}

Bridge2:
Bm7 F#m7 C#m7 Bm7
Bm7 F#m7 Em7 A7

D C#m7
I can't see what's out there for me
C#m7 F#m7
'Cos you know love offers no guarantee
Em7 A7 D
I'll take chance and I'm
D
Telling you baby that you've got to let you know

*sigh*

blog..?

Aha. So ito pala yung ‘blog’ na sinasabi nila.

Wala naman kasi talaga akong net life. Minsan nage-email sa sarili ng files at term paper drafts. Naghahanap ng guitar chords at nagbubura ng inbox. Tumitingin ng porn at nagpapakagago sa friendster. Pero yung pagba-blog? Pass. Wala talaga akong pasensya sa internet. Maghintay ngang kumonek sa dial-up tinatamad na ako, magdownload pa kaya sa kazaa? Mag-chat? Mag-ym? Ragnarok? Kalokohan.

Ang dating sakin parang ang stupid na idea ng pagba-blog. Ano ba ang makikita mo sa mga blog? May mga papansin, mga nagkukunwari, nagpapa-cute, mga naghahanap ng escape o di kaya sobrang desperadong mapaganda ang mga tinginingining nilang buhay. Mga nagtatanong, nagbi-bitch fit, nag-iingay at nag-aangas sa mundong di nila magawang sumbatan nang harap-harapan. May mga ilan rin namang may sense talaga ang sinasabi, pero men, ba’t sa internet pa? Eh panay sira-ulo lang ang makakausap mo dito.

Sa dinami-dami ng mga blog at may-blog sa Pilipinas pa lang, para na rin nilang kinakausap ang mga sarili nila, except kumakain sila ng bandwidth. Kung anuman yung sinulat mo at kung gaano siya sa tingin mo ka-importante at meaningful para sa human race, ikaw rin lang ang magbabasa at makakaintindi nun.

Nung grade 6 may requirement kaming ‘journal’ sa Language. Kailangan naming magsulat sa isang 100 leaves na regular notebook buong schoolyear. Minsan may topic, minsan wala – bahala ka, anything goes, basta hindi labag sa doktrinang Kristiyano at sa umiiral na moralidad at pinaniniwalaang angkop na nalalaman ng 12year-old na bata. Ngayon ko nare-realize kung gaano ka-pathetic ang prepubescent years ko. Hindi lang ako naka-isa, kundi naka-apat (anim pa nga, kung bibilangin yung hanggang 2nd year high school) na notebook sa journal-journal na yan. Bagsak na nga sa math, journal pa rin. Katabi na nga ang crush, journal pa rin. Hindi na mabilang ang mga araw na nagkukulong ako sa kwarto at sa isip ko para magsulat.

Mahilig akong magsulat dati, mapa-tula, dula, kanta, kunwaring interview, kwento, sanaysay, love letters sa kaklase, hate letters sa guro, kahit ano nga tungkol sa kahit ano at kahit sino. Pag may naisip ako na hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag o sabihin at pakiramdam ko wala ring makakarinig o makakaintindi sakin, isusulat ko. At babasahin ko. Ako naman si tanga, matutuwa ako. Pakiramdam ko gumagaan ang mga problema ko, gumaganda ang mundo, at unti-unti, naiintindihan ko na rin yung mga bagay na akala ko ikababaliw ko. Pakiramdam ko lahat kaya kong sabihin, gawin, at dalhin basta may notebook, panulat, at oras. Iniiwan ko ang mga problema at kinakalimutan ko kung sino ako. Ang mga kaaway ko pinaluluhod ko. Ang mga crush ko pinapa-‘oo’ ko. Nagiging hari/MVP/superhero/MacGyver ako ng sarili kong mundo.

Pakshet talaga yung mga journal na yan. Dahil pinili kong maging astig sa make-believe na mundo, para tuloy akong timang sa tunay na mundo. Napag-iiwanan, sumasablay, palaging out of touch sa reality, OP, at auti. Hanggang paglaki ko dala ko pa rin yata yung residual effects ng panahon na yun. Mahirap pag sobrang iba yung perception mo sa sarili mo sa tunay mong pagkatao – doble hirap pa kung di mo alam na magkaiba nga. Pero good luck na lang talaga kung iba yung pinaniniwalaan mong gawi ng mundo sa tunay nitong takbo. Yung naniniwala kang wala kang dapat katakutan at mabait ang lahat ng taong makikilala mo, na ang lahat ng mithiin, hangarin, at pangarap mo’y natural na lang na magiging iyo.

Kaya ko tinalikuran ang pagsusulat at ang mga journal at pinili na lang maging uncultured at illiterate. Kaya ako natatawa/naiinis/naaawa sa mga taong nagpapakagago sa pagsusulat sa mga blog at forums. Sa mga taong masyadong in-love sa sarili nila, mga taong tinatakasan ang buhay nila, mga taong dakdak nang dakdak na para bang lahat alam nila o napaka-makabuluhan ng mga pangyayari sa buhay nila para malaman ng lahat. Isama mo na rin dun yung mga taong may alam nga tungkol sa kung ano man yung mali o problema pero dinadaan lang sa salita, pagpapa-cute, pagra-rant o pagtakas sa halip na harapin o gumawa ng hakbang para baguhin yun. Asar ako sa mga taong ganun. Kasi noon, at siguro kahit hanggang ngayon (medyo) ganun din ako.

Pero nami-miss ko na yung pakiramdam na yun. Yung meron kang mapagsasabihan ng mga saloobin at problema mo sa buhay. Parang may kausap, karamay, at kaibigan ka na tumutulong sayong umintindi at laging sayo kampi. Parang may sikreto kang tinatago at may lugar kang matatakasan para makakuha ng lakas sa pagharap sa araw-araw. Sa buhay ko ngayon na walang sigurado at wala akong maaasahan sa hinaharap kundi sakit ng ulo, naiisip ko na baka dumating ang panahong di ko na makikilala sarili ko. Gusto ko sanang bumalik sa buhay ko dati nung bata pa ako, pero ang loser naman nun.

Nami-miss ko na yung pakiramdam na nakukuha ko sa pagsusulat, at unti-unti, naiisip ko na kailangan at kakailanganin ko uli yun. Kailangan kong mahanap at makilala ang sarili ko, makakita ng pag-asa, matauhan, maliwanagan, at siguro (siguro lang) – mapakinggan.

Binabasa ko yung mga nasulat ko kanina, at napapansin kong bumabalik na ulit ako sa dati. Mahaba at nonsense na naman akong magsulat. Pero ayos lang. Matagal-tagal ko na ring di nakikita sa sarili ko yung nagiging natural at totoo. Blog ko ‘to. Ang lahat ng nandito, ako. Kung babasahin man ng iba, problema na nila yun. Basta wala na lang pakialamanan.

Paminsan-minsan rin lang naman ito. Pag may internet card at may oras na maghintay sa dial-up…