long-overdue realizations and nostalgic episodes
catching some american idol reruns on tv, i watched vonzell do that dionne warwick classic, "i'll never love this way again." she did a so-so rendition, but i did like hers better than anwar's. anyway, there's just something about that song... of course, i don't know the complete lyrics of the sone, and so i don't know what it's really about. but that line -[i know/ i'll/ never/ love this way again] - just gets to me. it has the most compelling mix of regret and resigned acceptance i've ever encountered in a song - which is what triggered this little nostalgic episode in the first place.
of course, it's all been setteld and dealt with a long (two semesters )ago, and i had already drawn a conclusion shortly after that. but to look back at it with 20/20 hindsight, to be able to set it down by my own hand in immortal bytes of data is just so.. final. comforting. encouraging.and coming into this crucial period of my life, it'll be nice to feel like i've got it all figured out.
i miss it. i miss the piso text messages that felt like a million bucks. i miss the magic. i miss that warm, fuzzy feeling and that stubborn belief that everything will always be alright. i miss that indescribable feeling i get whenever those littlt things (songs on the radio, license plate numbers, other peoples' conversations, tv, book, and movie dialogue lines, rainy weather) - that remind me of her - happen to me. i miss the crazy ways fate used to bring us closer to each other. no matter what went wrong, the fact that we were wble to keep it (and always put things back together) make me believe we were truly meant for each other.
but that's all there is to it. there's no hollywood-like insane urge to go rushing back and tell her this and that. no sudden fits of sentimentality and reminiscing. all the regret and guilt and pity has all but been replaced (after a shorter time than i imagined) by a genuine conviction that life goes on and that i will be able to unlearn eveything and find a new direction for myself. i just have to keep living in the present and take things one day at a time.
the trick, i've learned, is to keep the past close - but always behind you (okay, it does sound like i might've read it somewhere, and i probably did, but i really did work this out on my own). that way you'll always have something/somewhere to look back to when the road ahead gets too vicious. more importantly, it ensures you don't trip or stumble on it on the way forward.
i wasn't ready for her. not then, not now. nor for anyone else, come to think of it. that's one area of my personal development wherre maturity seems to be in short supply. and it seems it'll be that way for quite some time in the future. between going to law school and having to find and keep a part-time job to make ends meet, i'll have little time t oallow myself to explore any 'possibilities' (as if any would come along). but hey, i've lived through 18 of my 21 years of life without any one significant person. i should be able to put up with a few years more. it's not like i feel empty or unfulfilled or anything. i'm just not ready for it yet. and if i'll never be? well, i'll just make it a point not to die a virgin...
dionne warwick was right. after every such episode in your life, you never can love in a similar way again.but whatever she said in that song, it can't all be something to cry about. every fresh start is an opportunity to do it again better. the memories made and lessons learned from each past love (ideally) should make you a better person. when the next person (who could be THE person for all you know) to whom you'll open your life up to comes along, you shouuldn't make the same mistakes - and give in to the same doubts and inhibitions that you did before. to do so would be just...
there's a happy ending for me out there somewhere. there just has to be... because this story's just begun.
asa an afterthought, i remember how i used to joke about myself being a mere supporting actor without a worthwhile story and a leading lady of my own. now i realize - don't all love stories begin with the hapless guy all by his lonesome?
***************
most attention-grabbing pinoy movie title:
"bukas, magsisimba kang may bulak sa ilong"
of course, it's all been setteld and dealt with a long (two semesters )ago, and i had already drawn a conclusion shortly after that. but to look back at it with 20/20 hindsight, to be able to set it down by my own hand in immortal bytes of data is just so.. final. comforting. encouraging.and coming into this crucial period of my life, it'll be nice to feel like i've got it all figured out.
i miss it. i miss the piso text messages that felt like a million bucks. i miss the magic. i miss that warm, fuzzy feeling and that stubborn belief that everything will always be alright. i miss that indescribable feeling i get whenever those littlt things (songs on the radio, license plate numbers, other peoples' conversations, tv, book, and movie dialogue lines, rainy weather) - that remind me of her - happen to me. i miss the crazy ways fate used to bring us closer to each other. no matter what went wrong, the fact that we were wble to keep it (and always put things back together) make me believe we were truly meant for each other.
but that's all there is to it. there's no hollywood-like insane urge to go rushing back and tell her this and that. no sudden fits of sentimentality and reminiscing. all the regret and guilt and pity has all but been replaced (after a shorter time than i imagined) by a genuine conviction that life goes on and that i will be able to unlearn eveything and find a new direction for myself. i just have to keep living in the present and take things one day at a time.
the trick, i've learned, is to keep the past close - but always behind you (okay, it does sound like i might've read it somewhere, and i probably did, but i really did work this out on my own). that way you'll always have something/somewhere to look back to when the road ahead gets too vicious. more importantly, it ensures you don't trip or stumble on it on the way forward.
i wasn't ready for her. not then, not now. nor for anyone else, come to think of it. that's one area of my personal development wherre maturity seems to be in short supply. and it seems it'll be that way for quite some time in the future. between going to law school and having to find and keep a part-time job to make ends meet, i'll have little time t oallow myself to explore any 'possibilities' (as if any would come along). but hey, i've lived through 18 of my 21 years of life without any one significant person. i should be able to put up with a few years more. it's not like i feel empty or unfulfilled or anything. i'm just not ready for it yet. and if i'll never be? well, i'll just make it a point not to die a virgin...
dionne warwick was right. after every such episode in your life, you never can love in a similar way again.but whatever she said in that song, it can't all be something to cry about. every fresh start is an opportunity to do it again better. the memories made and lessons learned from each past love (ideally) should make you a better person. when the next person (who could be THE person for all you know) to whom you'll open your life up to comes along, you shouuldn't make the same mistakes - and give in to the same doubts and inhibitions that you did before. to do so would be just...
there's a happy ending for me out there somewhere. there just has to be... because this story's just begun.
asa an afterthought, i remember how i used to joke about myself being a mere supporting actor without a worthwhile story and a leading lady of my own. now i realize - don't all love stories begin with the hapless guy all by his lonesome?
***************
most attention-grabbing pinoy movie title:
"bukas, magsisimba kang may bulak sa ilong"
posted by strangelysilent at 6:16 AM
3 Comments:
wow. brough tme to tears, man... it'll come, jay. "you've just got to trust the power of love."
i miss high school days with you...
visit my blog ha? credoinsogni.blogspot.com -jumie
ba, kelan ka pa naging jay? curious lang. malamang nung college. or kung dati pa, i guess that just goes to show how little i know about you. :P
-ida
hi ida! hs ko pa tawag sa kanya yun =D (at naiinis siya sakin kasi yun din daw tawag sa kanya ng nanay niya. so pag tinatawag ko siyang jay, feeling nya nanay niya. hehehe =D)
jumie
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